The Extent to Which I Care.

2011-12-31T10:06:00.001-08:00

That, frankly, will not fly.

Or so I've been told

2010-09-23T09:23:00.000-07:00

My lovely girlfriend yelled at me when she found this blog, because I don't mention any of the many good things about my life. Well. That's bullshit, lovely girlfriend. Everyone knows that blogs are for complaining, and not for happy unbiased writing town. Ugh.

So I moved out. A while ago. I just kind of assumed that anyone who would read this blog would already know that about me, so I didn't bother mentioning it. Because it's irrelevant. Except, it kind of is relevant. Things don't seem too different. It's nice. I like making Maggie pay for groceries.
Groceries is expensive. :(

I have to go mop our hardwood floors (17) because they're getting all dirty. Oh WELL. lol.

Pretty much though, this whole living away from my parents thing isnt too bad, since I have a job that pays plenty enough to live. With two roommates. BFF, GFF, and Ammers. Ammers doesn't count as a roommate because she doesn't pay rent yet. But. Yeah. It's nice, to not have to drive around all the fucking time. It's been two weeks since I got gas, I think. That's kind of cool.

I don't want this to become a party house. But I like the notion that people can come over, and play teh vidya, and not feel weird. Or gross. Or intrusive. This can be... the party house. The SxE Party House. Where we drink Rock Band instead of vodka. It's always nice when Alec brings terrifying strangers into my house. The kind that blame me for ruining peoples' lives. Even though she doesn't know me.

What

But whatever, having people over is fun. We have Netflix and everything. Or whatever.

(^ This is why I don't post happy things in my blog, the entire thing just gets gay and boring even faster than the sad stuff)

lol

2010-08-28T23:34:00.001-07:00

When I get tired after an anxiety attack, my entire vision will shake. I can be looking at a fixed point, but my entire vision will just start jittering and skipping around. Like... in movies. lol. Its fun.

A girl.

2010-08-25T22:23:00.000-07:00

There's this girl I know. And she has zero sense of self. I don't think she knows who she is, so she depends on other people to define her existence. I do the same thing, so I consider that to be a valid flaw. What is very wrong, is that she doesn't know how to care for the people around her that make her who she is, so she ends up going through friends like thick chicks go through cupcakes.

How can someone be so self-centered if they have no self?

It makes me frown. Mostly because it makes her unlikable to the general public. And I think people should like her for who she is, even if she's a fucked up mess, because I like her for who she is. But how can I ever hope for someone to actually be liked for their personality, flaws and everything? All people care about is having someone to chill with or talk to about their problems.

Not me.

IDK if I've mentioned it here before, but I have come to the conclusion that the feelings I have for my friends are what most (real) people would consider "love", as in like, that special love reserved for boyfriends/girlfriends, only without the sex. That's why I had such a hard time with "love" before, it's because I already "love" everyone that I get close to, by their standards. Which is dumb. No wonder everyone hates me, I care about them too much for their shitty-low comfort level.

New Goal: Hide from my friends the extent to which I care about them.

Everything is just so gay.

Also, "Goddamnit are you serious? It would be just Laz and Maggie that I see every day at school. God fucking damnit."
^ This is me being funny. Honestly though if I had to see Willow and Peter every day I'd be pissed. lol.

GOOD NIGHT, DISORGANIZATION, NYUUUU~<3

2010-08-16T22:49:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I get into moods where I can't handle anything that reminds me of the past. Like, the Pikmin theme song, or this SONIC ADVENTURE THEME SONG. Sonic Adventure Theme Song is even worse, because obvious reasons.

And I mean. Come on. It really fucking sucks to suddenly have uncontrollable anxiety because all of a sudden I can't stop thinking about my SICK SORDID PAST and how I made TERRIBLE LIFE-RUINING MISTAKES. And, you know, everything else I think about that makes me anxious. I try so hard to stop, and then BAM. SONIC ADVENTURE THEME SONG, REMINDING YOU OF THAT ONE TIME THAT THIS OR THAT HAPPENED WHEN SOMEONE OR SOMETHING WAS PLAYING SONIC ADVENTURE, AND BAM you think about SONIC ADVENTURE 2, AND HOW YOU CHEATED AT MAKING CHAO GOOD, AND HOW SOMETIMES YOU GOT TEXTS AND SOMETIMES YOU THINK SOMEONE LIKES YOU BUT THEN YOU FIND OUT THEY HATE YOU AND THEN YOU THINK ABOUT HOW THIS IS A RECURRING THEME IN YOUR LIFE AND THAT MAYBE JUST MAYBE YOU COULD FIX IT BUT NO YOU MANAGED TO MAKE THE LAST ONE EVEN WORSE THAN ANY ONE HAS EVER BEEN AND YOU SAY "FUCK MAN, WHAT TEH FUCK DID I DO? DO I REALLY SUCK THIS MUCH?" AND YOU ARE REMINDED THAT YOU DO NOT SUCK AND THAT NO ONE SHOULD HATE YOU EXCEPT ONE OF THE VERY FEW PEOPLE THAT YOU ACTUALLY LIKE BECAUSE WHY WOULD THAT NOT HAPPEN, AND THEN YOU SAY OH HAY and then all of the sudden FFXI MUSIC IS PLAYING AND YOU THINK ABOUT HOW GAY MIDDLE SCHOOL WAS AND THEN WHEN YOU THINK OF MIDDLE SCHOOL YOU THINK OF DAN DAN FOR SOME REASON AND REMEMBER HOW YOU MANAGED TO RUIN LIVES WHEN TRYING TO BE A GOOD FRIEND LAWLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL

This is me, my life, and a brief 2-minute snippet of what is going to be an hour (but probably more) of self-loathing and anxiety.

And, in case Anonymous Internet is wondering, I thought what I was doing was the right thing, and I have to convince myself once every few days that I am not wrong for blowing up Dan Dan's life, because I have to tell myself "IT WOULD HAVE HAPPENED ANYWAY I PROMISE"

And, in case Anonymous Internet is wondering, I really really hate hurting people on accident. And I really really would do anything to fix the mistakes I have made, and the fact that I can never do anything makes me nervous more than most of you can even imagine.

Oops

2010-08-16T01:18:00.000-07:00

I totally stopped ever posting here, because why the fuck would I?

Monthly goal: Be able to watch Zombieland without nervous breakdown or discomfort.

In other news, I start my job tomorrow. And also I have nothing important to say because I'm really tired, past the point of being able to think coherently and have emotional rambling.

So, one day I'll come back to this secret blogger, and continue to fill it with thoughts that maybe someone will eventually find.

Death.

2010-07-11T23:15:00.001-07:00

I'll wait patiently for the death that can finally bring us all back together.

When I said this, I wasn't particularly kidding. I want someone I know to die. Someone who doesn't matter. Someone who me and my friends can mourn, someone who will bring us back together. Because I am a sick fuck.

Homesick

2010-07-08T09:01:00.000-07:00

I was homesick for a home that didn't exist. I filled myself with thoughts of coming back home from Mexico to have fun with my friends, do anything I wanted. Then I realized, I have no friends. The friends I do have don't ask to hang out with me, and I am too terrified that they hate me to ever hang out with them. I'm trapped in a shell that I created, and I have no idea how to GTFO.

I think, it's time to put on my asbestos gloves and get hot and dirty with these people. And if I write it in a blog, it's like, a promise to the no one who reads this because lol I am never going to link anyone here. But at least it's a promise to someone who is not me.

If I turn off all my emotions and just say "oh hay lets chill" with like, anyone, I think I can probably get away with being social again. Honestly though my heart is pounding just from thinking of the possibility of doing that. What happened to me?

Sylar

2010-06-27T02:41:00.001-07:00

I have this uncanny ability to adapt, but only when I am not thinking about adapting.

The main problem is that I have no fucking way to ever distract myself long enough for me to undergo transformations. And dat sucxks.

I like.

2010-06-06T01:53:00.000-07:00

Dear Peter,
I like that you're purtty. I like that you brought The Underpants into my life. I like how gutsy you are. I like your glasses. I like your dick. I like your sense of humour. I like that I can recognize you from a mile away. I like how much you turn me on when you rub my nipples.

Dear Cat,
I like that you tell it how it is, and kick ass when you have to. I like that you always have a story up your sleeve, even though I usually don't know who the people are I am still always entertained. I like that you oftentimes agree with me when things are ridiculously stupid.

Dear Eve,
I like that you brought Nestle Tollhouse into my life. I like that you shared your Medical Physics knowledge with me for the past year. I like that you are so caring. I like that you are going to a bitchin' college and getting the fuck out of Albuquerque a year early. Not because I hate you, but because that i...s so cool of you. Academic badass.

Dear Shannon,
I like that we've been friends since like, FOREVER. I mean six years, as of , right now. We started talking on your birthday when you were in Jersey. I like your taste in music, even if it sometimes goes over my head. I like that you yell at people who deserve it, even if that someone is me. I like that we... watched ANTM all the time. I like that you birthed Bowser. And I like how fun you are :D?

Dear Carissa,
I like how incredibly friendly you are to anyone and everyone. I like that you've been with Morgan since like, forever :D I like how kind and sweet you are. I like that you care about other people. I like your hair. I like your photos! I like how adorable you are! I like your modesty. And I like your charm...!

Dear Lucia,
I like that we're comfortable enough to make out in front of Starr. I like your voice! I like that you were my favourite freshman, back when you were that old. I like your hispanic accent, especially when shouting about the Virgin. I like your sense of style. I like that you led a room full of naked chicks t...o compliment me. I like that we often share similar opinions about ridiculous things. :D?

Dear Starr,
I like that you are always there defending your BFFs like they are your own children. I like that we are going to get married someday. I like that you are such a nice stage manager. I like that you date gay boys. I like that you like La Esquina. I like that you are one tough cookie. I like that you are 4 fee...t tall. I like that you are still taller than Rebecca Steinberg. I like that your little sister is Mimi Daniels. I like it all.

Dear Mimi,
I LIKE THAT YOU SING. Especially Taylor the Latte Boy. I like that you are so adorable. I like that every time I see you I get to squeal with delight. I like that you bring joy and jubilations everywhere you go. I like that you are BFFs with Estrellita. I like that you sing Laz the Latte Boy. I like that you ...inspired me to go apply to as many barista positions as I could. I like... you. I like that d'awwdbhsaaaaa ♥ . I like that you exist. I like that you watch Glee. I like that you and Harrison and Chase are gal pals. I like that every time I see something from Harrison on your wall, I cry with tears of joy. I like that every now and then you fall apart. I like.... bhsaaaa ♥

Dear Willow,
I like your hair. And your eyes. They so big. I like your clothes. I likes your octopus necklace. I like that you agree with me on everything except white chocolate and cream cheese. I like that you know what's up. I like that you hate everyone but love everyone at the same time. I like that you made me wat...ch Chicago. I like that you're so damn funny. I like that you agree with me on ridiculous things all the fucking time. I like that I can just look at you and we can mutually understand that we hate everything that is happening. I like the hat you got me. I like OLIVER. and that you brought Oliver into my life. I like Rosie a little too. I like your iPhone. I like the background on your iPhone. I like that we both have eye lasers. O_O.

Dear Maggie,
I like that you are always here for me, even though I like it more when you're not the only person here for me. I like your eye makeup. I like how soft your hair is. I like the things you can do with a broom handle. I like your dedication to your friends. I like that you are hilarious always. I like the sounds you make when you are the Tank in Left 4 Dead. I like going out to Dion's and Hurricane's with you every day for the past year. I like that we like the same things at those two places, even though you generally hate everything I love. I like you more ... See morewhen you get pepperoni and green chile instead of olive and green chile, but that's just me being neurotic *cough*. I like that you're crazy. Sometmes. I like your shirts. I like your high heels. I like that you feed me frosties when I am driving. I like that you also feed me fries when I am driving. I like that you do dumb things for me like feed me and stuff. I like you. I like your hands. I like how soft your skin is. I like the noises you make when you are tired. I like that you only drink Sierra Mist. I like that you hate everyone with me. I like that you are my partner in crime, even though you don't commit crimes, so I need a new partner in crime that does a better job. I like when we play LittleBigPix with Josey because it's funs. I like that you love Lady GaGa. I like your adoration for Desi. I like that your favourite colour is purple. I like that you like wolves. I like that your eyes are green. I like your necklaces, even though one of them is from Dale and the other one is from your parents, and neither of them are from me. I like your rings, even though one of them is gold and that's stupid. I like that you take revolting pictures, it's adorable. I like that you can only fit one bagel bite in your mouth. I like that you wear blue jeans now. I like that you draw. I like your drawings. I like your artstyle. I like that you draw on pants. I like that you like Alec like I like Alec. I like that you watch Glee with me. I like that we can both scream when something crazy happens. I like that you cut the shit out of my wrist and that it will be scarred forever, just because you felt like pushing my hand into a nail on the bookshelf. I like that you are my Assistant Director for a show that I will be canceling sometime soon. I like that you stick up for me when I need it. I like that you need to eat pasta with parmesan cheese. I like you.

♥

2010-06-02T01:35:00.001-07:00

"Make the lie big, make it simple, keep saying it, and eventually they will believe it."

-Adolf Hitler

Dumped.

2010-05-29T15:03:00.000-07:00

So many people are so content with dumping things. Getting rid of memories, getting rid of people, getting rid of objects.

I'm not.

It's a flaw.

This flaw I have causes nothing but problems. As my friends get older, they become less attached to everything around them. They get rid of whatever the fuck they want, not giving a shit who they hurt or how their actions can affect the people that they once called friends.

This doesn't happen to me. But I see it happen to other people. My friends don't understand that beginnings and ends do not come hand in hand. It's not a bad thing. In fact, it's really a good thing. The ability to coast through life, not forming secure attachments, and leaving things while feeling satisfied regardless. Breaking ties without being depressed for months. It's a good thing.

It's a strength.

I form some pretty strong attachments to some of my friends. Some of the people I know. Sometimes, the people I form strong attachments to don't actually make sense. To anyone. Especially not them.

I often wish that I could affect my friends' lives even half as much as they affect mine.

The extent to which I care.

2010-05-29T03:05:00.000-07:00

One of my lesser-known attributes. Want to know a secret? I love and cherish all of my friends. Even the friends I don't care about much, I still like them. Even the friends who aren't friends. Just acquaintances. If Grey Blanco asked me to give him a ride to Tramway, I'd oblige. If Gabby England asked me to take her to Los Lunas, I'd hop on that sinking ship in a heartbeat. Actually, I did.

It's a shame. That no one knows this about me. It's okay. I'm posting it on the LOL INTERNET so that LOL MY FRIENDS CAN READ IT ONE DAY. There are a good two people who know the extent to which I care about my friends. And they happen to be my girlfriends. Former and current.

I do care. A lot. My main problem is that I give and give, generally more emotional capital than I can afford to give. I take out loans. Borrow some, give more. So when I've given all I can give, and more, I'm left with less than zero emotional stability. I try my best to make my friends happy, and help them with their problems, without making them hate me. Or, at least I try. I find that, as I get older, people want my help less and less. To accomodate this change, I have changed myself. I'm less of an asshole. No really, I promise. I may lash out at people, but I only do that as a defense for the people I care about. Or even people I don't give a shit about.

I'm in a rut.

I would like it if people took time to realize I'm not as much as a prick as I was. BUT OH WELL. What I have is what I have, and I need to accept it. I have my four friends, and I'm fine with it.Or, rather, four of my friends actually like me. Accepting it sucks. And maybe I haven't done it. But whatever. You have my word, e-diary, internet strangers, and people I know. I will prove to you all the extent to which I care, and I will do it subtly enough so that you don't hate me because you think I am forcing it.

Stupid
High school
Bullshit
(its a shame i cant get out of it)

<3!

2007-11-05T10:30:00.000-08:00

Operation: Harebrained Scheme is a success, thanks to me.

Unlike the girls, who like to force Ryan and Gabby into awkward situations, I had a reasonable conversation with Gabby about how Ryan is super cool and she should be his girlfriend. And sure enough, after I intervened things started going smoothly!

So my yesterday and today were filled with excitements! Good and bad. It started with me making lasagne :D Then, Catlin and I went to Kim's house, and we drove to the mall. I don't actually have pictures of the mall. :( we went lingerie shopping for Gabby, because we were throwing her a surprise party :D

Eventually Catlin and I got back to Catlin's house, and Ryan met us there. Surprise! I guess she was happy ,I don't know. It was the worst surprise ever, we didn't let her into the house because Kim hadn't gotten there yet, and their cars were broken because they drove over tree stumps. But when everyone got inside people were happy. :D? We played lots of Guitar Hero before we ate.

We had Vegetarian Lasagna, which I guess was acceptable. Also, cheesey toast and cakes and plapple juice! The birthday girl was a happy camper, and uh... so were Kim and Ryan.

Gabby opened her present bag to find a red corset that we bought for her :D she was happy. Then uh. Kim left.

Then it happened! When Kim was gone, we played more guiar her lolz. Gabby and Ryan were playing but in reality it was Ryan playing with Gabby trying to mess him up. So I walked into the little TV foyer to say "HEY BITCHES U WANT CAKE" and I found them kissing, lolz. I was very distraught, I didn't know they would be up to that sort of thing! So I ran into the kitchen and told Catlin that we need cake and lots of it.

At one point I guess Kim rearrived and we played more Guitar Heroes, which I'm sure have become boring pictures to look at. I guess... Catlin was lurking around or something, like a creeper. No, she was not drunk.

Then Ryan and I were kicked out at 8:00 :( because we were at a girl's house. We didn't actually... leave, though. We went to a restaurant and had a delicious chocolate milkshake and he has some nasty-ass coffee. At around 9:25 we started our funderful adventure back to Catlin's house, because we are bad kids. He has a pipe cleaner super hero in his truck, bahrhahda. We parked three blocks away from Catlin's house, in front of a very creepy house.

We... apparently walked by some cars, because cars are there. On streets, usually. Ryan had a bag with... nothing in it, ~~probably~~. mystery houses and strange wooden men.

THEN SOMETHING GODDAMN SCARY HAPPENED!! Since we were sneaking into a house and one of us had fuggin' mystery bags, we were being particularly sketchy. Also... this cannot continue. So I will stop it now.

Pahahah

2007-08-11T00:35:00.000-07:00

I swear, the more blogs I make, the more insanities I will most likely accrue. A blog for every situation, for every audience, is a good thing. I can get things off of my chest in every direction without hurting any feelings. :D What could this one possible be for? Complaining about... my family...? No, no, it just doesn't work like that. I am sure I will have a revelation and start spewing all of my emotions out onto my computer like I do every time I am depressed.

ASpeewwewesehghh nasty stuff, my emotions. Can't decide which way is which, up is down? Depressed is happy. Fun times are bad times. I am terrible at deciding how I feel at any given moment, it's a shame really. Maybe I am bipolar or something, hm. Sucks =[ I've already decided that this blog is a bad idea. I am also significantly less happy than I was five minutes ago. :D!

Too bad, you assholes need to at least pretend to read the things I write if I ever want to feel stupid for having emotions so I can repress them real deep. Have fun, I'm a bit manic panic now, but that should change when school starts.