lol

When I get tired after an anxiety attack, my entire vision will shake. I can be looking at a fixed point, but my entire vision will just start jittering and skipping around. Like... in movies. lol. Its fun.

A girl.

There's this girl I know. And she has zero sense of self. I don't think she knows who she is, so she depends on other people to define her existence. I do the same thing, so I consider that to be a valid flaw. What is very wrong, is that she doesn't know how to care for the people around her that make her who she is, so she ends up going through friends like thick chicks go through cupcakes.

How can someone be so self-centered if they have no self?

It makes me frown. Mostly because it makes her unlikable to the general public. And I think people should like her for who she is, even if she's a fucked up mess, because I like her for who she is. But how can I ever hope for someone to actually be liked for their personality, flaws and everything? All people care about is having someone to chill with or talk to about their problems.

Not me.

IDK if I've mentioned it here before, but I have come to the conclusion that the feelings I have for my friends are what most (real) people would consider "love", as in like, that special love reserved for boyfriends/girlfriends, only without the sex. That's why I had such a hard time with "love" before, it's because I already "love" everyone that I get close to, by their standards. Which is dumb. No wonder everyone hates me, I care about them too much for their shitty-low comfort level.

New Goal: Hide from my friends the extent to which I care about them.

Everything is just so gay.

Also, "Goddamnit are you serious? It would be just Laz and Maggie that I see every day at school. God fucking damnit."
^ This is me being funny. Honestly though if I had to see Willow and Peter every day I'd be pissed. lol.

GOOD NIGHT, DISORGANIZATION, NYUUUU~<3

Sometimes I get into moods where I can't handle anything that reminds me of the past. Like, the Pikmin theme song, or this SONIC ADVENTURE THEME SONG. Sonic Adventure Theme Song is even worse, because obvious reasons.

And I mean. Come on. It really fucking sucks to suddenly have uncontrollable anxiety because all of a sudden I can't stop thinking about my SICK SORDID PAST and how I made TERRIBLE LIFE-RUINING MISTAKES. And, you know, everything else I think about that makes me anxious. I try so hard to stop, and then BAM. SONIC ADVENTURE THEME SONG, REMINDING YOU OF THAT ONE TIME THAT THIS OR THAT HAPPENED WHEN SOMEONE OR SOMETHING WAS PLAYING SONIC ADVENTURE, AND BAM you think about SONIC ADVENTURE 2, AND HOW YOU CHEATED AT MAKING CHAO GOOD, AND HOW SOMETIMES YOU GOT TEXTS AND SOMETIMES YOU THINK SOMEONE LIKES YOU BUT THEN YOU FIND OUT THEY HATE YOU AND THEN YOU THINK ABOUT HOW THIS IS A RECURRING THEME IN YOUR LIFE AND THAT MAYBE JUST MAYBE YOU COULD FIX IT BUT NO YOU MANAGED TO MAKE THE LAST ONE EVEN WORSE THAN ANY ONE HAS EVER BEEN AND YOU SAY "FUCK MAN, WHAT TEH FUCK DID I DO? DO I REALLY SUCK THIS MUCH?" AND YOU ARE REMINDED THAT YOU DO NOT SUCK AND THAT NO ONE SHOULD HATE YOU EXCEPT ONE OF THE VERY FEW PEOPLE THAT YOU ACTUALLY LIKE BECAUSE WHY WOULD THAT NOT HAPPEN, AND THEN YOU SAY OH HAY and then all of the sudden FFXI MUSIC IS PLAYING AND YOU THINK ABOUT HOW GAY MIDDLE SCHOOL WAS AND THEN WHEN YOU THINK OF MIDDLE SCHOOL YOU THINK OF DAN DAN FOR SOME REASON AND REMEMBER HOW YOU MANAGED TO RUIN LIVES WHEN TRYING TO BE A GOOD FRIEND LAWLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL

This is me, my life, and a brief 2-minute snippet of what is going to be an hour (but probably more) of self-loathing and anxiety.

And, in case Anonymous Internet is wondering, I thought what I was doing was the right thing, and I have to convince myself once every few days that I am not wrong for blowing up Dan Dan's life, because I have to tell myself "IT WOULD HAVE HAPPENED ANYWAY I PROMISE"

And, in case Anonymous Internet is wondering, I really really hate hurting people on accident. And I really really would do anything to fix the mistakes I have made, and the fact that I can never do anything makes me nervous more than most of you can even imagine.

Oops

I totally stopped ever posting here, because why the fuck would I?

Monthly goal: Be able to watch Zombieland without nervous breakdown or discomfort.

In other news, I start my job tomorrow. And also I have nothing important to say because I'm really tired, past the point of being able to think coherently and have emotional rambling.

So, one day I'll come back to this secret blogger, and continue to fill it with thoughts that maybe someone will eventually find.